Day 286 | "Those Women"

Suddenly, I am one of "those women".

Women I looked at sheepishly in the waiting room. Wondering if I'd be one of them - with their hair regrowing. Women who looked strong and healthy...not weak and bald - how I felt through most of chemo.

Though I'm here (at the oncologist) today to discuss the next part in my plan - six months of oral chemo - I feel a renewed sense of hope that I may be one of the women here in few years, with longer hair....giving others hope that they will join the hairclub again.

I can't believe how time moves. The 286 days between 12.02.16 (my diagnosis day) and today feels in some ways like 286 weeks, and in others .... like 286 seconds.

Today, I am stronger, though slightly more burned, than when I last saw my oncologist. 

Today, ....

- I have a healthy four month old, instead of a swelling belly. 

- I have more rising hope than rising fear. (I still have fear, but it's less allconsuming). 

- I'm still happily coupled (oh, and yah, and now, we're all married and stuff). 

- I still have a rock strong foundation - one of the best support systems I've seen. 

- I'm back at work, worrying about normal things - like spreadsheets, daycare, and ....did I leave money for the cleaning ladies? (No, but really, did I?) 

Cancer worry isn't gone. I still use my sick passport more than my healthy one.* I still see doctors more than friends. I still ache for a day when cancer worry doesn't bog down my mind on an otherwise idle Tuesday. 

But, now, I think that day could be a possibility.

I think it could be soon when I forget about the cancer...for an hour. A day. A week .... well, actually, I can't imagine a time when I'll forget about the cancer for a week. 

For now, I'll take the downshift from being a full time patient to part time. Allowing me to spend time and mental energy doing other mundane things....Like worrying about paying the cleaning ladies.

Today, I signed up to be a mentor to other women going through this cancery hell. I can coach them, like others before me coached me (looking at you - KACM crew.)

So - Here we go. 6 more radiations and 6 months of xeloda (oral chemo) - in a trade for hopefully the rest of my life.

*From Susan Sontag's Illness as a Methaphor, "Illness is the night-side of life, a more onerous citizenship. Everyone who is born holds dual citizenship, in the kingdom of the well and in the kingdom of the sick. Although we all prefer to use only the good passport, sooner or later each of us is obliged, at least for a spell, to identify ourselves as citizens of that other place."

Wow! - Hair!! Eyebrows!! & Lashes!! (and radiation burns)