I posted our big news on Facebook. We had a baby. And, we got married too.
Sorry if you didn't know - we didn't feel the need to share our babynews until we had a healthy baby boy. We had about 100 doctors doing the worrying for us.
Alas - this isn't a blog about my marriage or baby, but I will now tell you about being pregnant with cancer. The medical parts are iffy, the emotion is intensified, but joy you feel about having a child is probably the same.
Our baby - George Samuel - was born on 4.29.17 at 4:16AM. 4 lbs 15 oz. 19 inches. 6 days in the NICU.
Very strangely, he was born in Albany, NY. (We are from Columbus, Ohio). We were driving stuff between our houses, trying to get things accomplished "before the baby came" as part of my crazy nesting. ...best laid plans, huh? My water broke 15 minutes outside Albany. I was 36w1d pregnant. He was four weeks early. So much for this "pregnancy bag" everyone talked about - we didn't even have the car seat with us.
And - just like that - we became parents. Like I said, there is plenty of normal mom stuff - My iphone camera instantly filled with hundreds of photos. There are still diapers. And 1AM feedings. And 4AM feedings. And 6AM feedings. Okay, there are a lot of feedings. But only bottle feedings, because breast wasn't an option. There is still vomit to clean. Diapers to change. And, so many tiny clothes to wash. The tiredness is probably the same - if not a teeny bit more because... chemo.
When I asked if he felt a lot different as a dad, my husband said, no, he became a parent the moment we found out I was pregnant. I guess I did too...I mean, I was growing a tiny human, who I got to see on fancy ultrasounds all the time (cancer + pregnancy = all.the.scans). I had to constantly think for two - research for two. Things like "that treatment may be best for me, but not good for George." I didn't take many pain pills or other supplemental medications because of this worry. That placenta stuff is pretty money though. I'll share the medicine part later, but the chemo molecules are too big to pass through the placenta, so we didn't have to worry too much about that.
As you can imagine, there is a lot of fear in bringing someone into the world when you're not sure how long you will be here. Throughout the pregnancy, I was afraid that this fear would somehow make me less of a mother. But...Here to report, that I feel all the love stuff like it's reported in the books.
There is normal mom worry though - the checks to see if he's still breathing. Wondering - is he eating too much? Too little? Is his weight gain okay? (This is probably more true for those of us with babies who spent time in the NICU.) The overall worry and tears may be intensified for moms with cancer. The future is more murky for us...Before cancer, I was worried about morning sickness and the craziness of trying to have as many babies in as possible over the next five years. After cancer, I'm hoping I can watch our one baby grow up and my stretch hope is that we can have one brother/sister for Georgie - through adoption or naturally. Plans change. We adapt. I know our family isn't alone in changing our children plans - people do it every day.
I am trying to not fixate too much on the unknown, working on the "live in the present" thing. You all can ask my husband how that's going for me when I'm fretting that the floor is too dirty at midnight. Either way, I know that my baby's fifth birthday will be all sorts of milestones, many unrelated to him turning five.*
--
I guess that was all the "normal" / emotional side of pregnant with breast cancer. The medical side seemed way more complicated at the beginning. I'll describe that more in my next blog post because my tiny human needs to eat and the house needs cleaned. (this counts as in the present because my house presently needs cleaned :).
*TNBC milestones are two years from treatment ending without recurrence, after which, recurrence drops dramatically. And five years post-treatment, after which recurrence is even less likely than other types of breast cancer at the same milestone.
Sorry if you didn't know - we didn't feel the need to share our babynews until we had a healthy baby boy. We had about 100 doctors doing the worrying for us.
Alas - this isn't a blog about my marriage or baby, but I will now tell you about being pregnant with cancer. The medical parts are iffy, the emotion is intensified, but joy you feel about having a child is probably the same.
Our baby - George Samuel - was born on 4.29.17 at 4:16AM. 4 lbs 15 oz. 19 inches. 6 days in the NICU.
Very strangely, he was born in Albany, NY. (We are from Columbus, Ohio). We were driving stuff between our houses, trying to get things accomplished "before the baby came" as part of my crazy nesting. ...best laid plans, huh? My water broke 15 minutes outside Albany. I was 36w1d pregnant. He was four weeks early. So much for this "pregnancy bag" everyone talked about - we didn't even have the car seat with us.
And - just like that - we became parents. Like I said, there is plenty of normal mom stuff - My iphone camera instantly filled with hundreds of photos. There are still diapers. And 1AM feedings. And 4AM feedings. And 6AM feedings. Okay, there are a lot of feedings. But only bottle feedings, because breast wasn't an option. There is still vomit to clean. Diapers to change. And, so many tiny clothes to wash. The tiredness is probably the same - if not a teeny bit more because... chemo.
When I asked if he felt a lot different as a dad, my husband said, no, he became a parent the moment we found out I was pregnant. I guess I did too...I mean, I was growing a tiny human, who I got to see on fancy ultrasounds all the time (cancer + pregnancy = all.the.scans). I had to constantly think for two - research for two. Things like "that treatment may be best for me, but not good for George." I didn't take many pain pills or other supplemental medications because of this worry. That placenta stuff is pretty money though. I'll share the medicine part later, but the chemo molecules are too big to pass through the placenta, so we didn't have to worry too much about that.
As you can imagine, there is a lot of fear in bringing someone into the world when you're not sure how long you will be here. Throughout the pregnancy, I was afraid that this fear would somehow make me less of a mother. But...Here to report, that I feel all the love stuff like it's reported in the books.
There is normal mom worry though - the checks to see if he's still breathing. Wondering - is he eating too much? Too little? Is his weight gain okay? (This is probably more true for those of us with babies who spent time in the NICU.) The overall worry and tears may be intensified for moms with cancer. The future is more murky for us...Before cancer, I was worried about morning sickness and the craziness of trying to have as many babies in as possible over the next five years. After cancer, I'm hoping I can watch our one baby grow up and my stretch hope is that we can have one brother/sister for Georgie - through adoption or naturally. Plans change. We adapt. I know our family isn't alone in changing our children plans - people do it every day.
I am trying to not fixate too much on the unknown, working on the "live in the present" thing. You all can ask my husband how that's going for me when I'm fretting that the floor is too dirty at midnight. Either way, I know that my baby's fifth birthday will be all sorts of milestones, many unrelated to him turning five.*
--
I guess that was all the "normal" / emotional side of pregnant with breast cancer. The medical side seemed way more complicated at the beginning. I'll describe that more in my next blog post because my tiny human needs to eat and the house needs cleaned. (this counts as in the present because my house presently needs cleaned :).
*TNBC milestones are two years from treatment ending without recurrence, after which, recurrence drops dramatically. And five years post-treatment, after which recurrence is even less likely than other types of breast cancer at the same milestone.
That picture is stunning!!! Wonderful mama and baby 💙👶💙
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful picture. Also, ugly crying.
ReplyDeleteYou're a powerhouse, wonderful woman! Congratulations on all your happy milestones and your grace during the more trying ones. Thank you for being a sharer!
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ReplyDelete